The first and most vital thing to understand about alcoholism is that it is a disease. Most people do not realise this and cannot understand why their loved one is apparently willingly destroying themselves and causing tremendous pain to those who love them. The term 'Jekyll and Hyde' can be used to describe an alcoholics's behaviour, as this is how they can appear to friends and relatives of alcoholics. The alcoholic seems to be a great person when sober but turns into someone we do not recognise after drinking. Their behaviour is problematic in many ways, and can affect relationships with family, friends, as well as work.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects as many as one in twenty people; it can creep up over many years, turning a social drinker into a heavy drinker, then maybe into an alcoholic who simply loses the ability to control his or her drinking. However, alcoholism can also affect a person who has never drunk in their lives. There are no hard and fast rules. Nevertheless, it is important to remember that nobody wants to be an alcoholic and they would stop drinking if they could. The reality is that they are physically and mentally addicted—they cannot stop drinking.
What is Enabling Behaviour?
The behaviour of an alcoholic can be upsetting, and although friends and family are powerless to physically stop the drinking, we are not powerless to control and modify our own behaviour and attitudes towards the alcoholic. We may want to look at our own actions to discover whether we have been unwittingly enabling the alcoholic to continue drinking.
Enabling behaviour is covering up, lying or ignoring the destructive actions of an alcoholic. We may think that by buying alcohol, or phoning in sick for our loved one, that we are helping and diffusing situations. In reality, we are simply allowing them to drink, behave badly and get away with it. In order to really help an alcoholic, we must allow them to face consequences and see how their drinking is affecting their lives. This may seem difficult, and it can be, but hopefully if they are witness to the consequences of their drinking it can give them the proverbial 'kick up the backside' and spur them into action.
What Can I Do to Help?
Everyone in an alcoholic situation needs support. It is important to remember that it is not your fault that the alcoholic is drinking, regardless of what they, or anyone else, may tell you. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it—only an individual can change their own lives. It may be helpful to think of alcoholism as a disease or illness such as diabetes. Now it sounds crazy if you say that you want to cure diabetes, and someone else's diabetes at that! Trying to change or 'cure' others is as useless as banging your head against a brick wall, so stop hurting yourself and find help for the only person you can change—you!
Often, the drinking alcoholic will be in denial about their situation and your efforts to stop their drinking have failed miserably. You may have poured away drink, begged, blackmailed or bullied them, all to no effect. In this case, you need to take action for yourself. Living with an alcoholic is a nightmare for most people and as there is not much information out there and alcoholism is not understood, most people can feel isolated and alone in their situation.
Lonely, Frustrated, Confused, Angry and Fearful?
These are just a few of the emotions that are common in people who have an drinking alcoholic in their lives. Alanon can help you share your fears and frustrations and help you try to live your own life instead of someone elses. The majority of people have heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a support network for alcoholics where they meet up, discuss and share their experiences with other alcoholics. The success rate is excellent and has turned around many, many 'hopeless' cases.
Alanon is an organisation similiar to AA, but is support for relatives and friends of alcoholics. Alanon is a way to share with others your problems and difficulties, or simply just to listen to others. It is suprising how similar stories are regardless of situations. Like AA, Alanon members come from all walks of life, are different ages, gender, occupations and beliefs. The one thing they have in common is an alcoholic in their lives.
Relief, Gratitude, Understanding and Hope
In comparison, these are a few positive feelings that members of Alanon discover as they improve their quality of life. Many times, when an alcoholic notices that enabling behaviour has stopped and you are seeking and receiving help, they will follow suit and maybe just 'see what goes on in an AA meeting'. It is great if this happens, and hopefully you can work together to rebuild relationships and lives. If not, however, you will have found support for yourself that will give you strength and courage to make decisions about your own life. Please click on the links to find out more information about Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanon .
Jenny John - I am currently studying English Literature at Cardiff University, and have just finished my first year. I am of course interested in ...
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